It's Just the Way I Am

The Fallacy that Fails Relationships

Fallacies are one of the most interesting things to observe in argument. When watching a political debate or platform speech, much of the time the politicians' rhetoric is full of fallacies or flaws in reasoning. Politicians beg the question, they appeal to authority, they appeal to emotion and they make faulty generalizations. But politicians aren't the only ones guilty of flawed discussion.

Actually, fallacies can be extremely useful and very entertaining parts of an argument – I use them a lot when I write, because opinions aren't factual anyway. Media experts use them. The guy on the local commercial uses them. Your next door neighbor uses them. And, chances are, your Significant Other used at least one fallacy the last time you had an argument.

The most common one? "It's just the way I am."

Most people use this common phrase to defend and justify their actions in relationships. It isn't a gender specific crutch – males and females alike use this defense. It is an overused, misunderstood excuse. It is a flawed argument. It is the fallacy that fails relationships.

"It's just the way I am" assumes that a person's own actions are correct (and all actions not like that person's actions are wrong or undesirable.) There is also an insinuation that the person is unwilling to change the way he or she is.

Take for example a married couple who fights about money. She spends too much in his opinion. He makes pleading remarks for her to get control and cut back on the shopping. She argues, "It's just the way I am." He yells that if she doesn't quit he's cutting her off. He insists on saving – it's just the way HE is. The argument goes on and on, and eventually it leads to a divorce. (Financial issues are cited by family experts as a leading cause of divorce in this country along with poor communication, a lack of commitment to the marriage, a dramatic change in priorities and infidelity.)

But in this specific example, is it the financial issue that is the real problem? No. Not really. The real problem is the unwillingness to compromise and recognize the need to change a habit/ trait/ or condition to improve the quality of the relationship.

“It’s just the way I am” acknowledges that one person in the relationship is unwilling to make a change. It eludes that every disappointment, each downfall of a relationship, is actually the other person's fault. Of course, the way WE are is perfect – we've been this way all our lives. It's just the way we are. If someone has a problem with us, the problem (of course) must be with them.

That is a very narrow-minded point of view, and a very unrealistic approach to making a relationship last.

I once read somewhere that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is ME. Is it possible that I am the one who is sabotaging the connection and creating my own demise?

Maybe if relationships keep failing and fights keep prevailing, it is time to give up on the "It's Just the Way I Am" argument. It may be just the way you are, but just the way you are may be flawed. Quit using the fallacy that is failing relationships, open your mind to new avenues of thinking and the possibility of compromise. Quit expecting someone to accept you just the way you are unless you have officially been deemed perfection. And when someone defends their own actions as being "just the way they are," remember that it's an ignorant, invalid argument and you need someone who is willing to compromise.